The Thorn to Thanksgiving

It was a conflict for me, the couple years after my dad died, to be thankful. The emptiness that I felt after my dad died doesn’t seem like a thing to be thankful for. The anger, resentment, rage, and hostility I felt shouldn’t be something to be grateful for. While my grief felt suffocating, not being able to breathe, in my misery it was extremely difficult to find hope sometimes. For me, in the hopelessness it didn’t seem to matter that I was grounded in my faith, the storm, the hurricane of my grief couldn’t withstand the turbulence of the winds of my pain, and I couldn’t appreciate and see the people, the nature, the beauty, the simplicity of the everyday things around me.

With the Thanksgiving season in full swing, I am reminded that this is my 8th Thanksgiving without my dad. For those who aren’t grievers I’m sure they wonder why those that are the bereaved may mention things like that. In early grief there are so many “firsts” that you encounter without your loved one and it feels as though you can’t survive it. Now 8 Autumn seasons later, I’ve been able to successfully and might I add, joyfully be able to celebrate and commemorate the “firsts” that brought on some debilitating emotions and reactions. Some traditions that surrounded certain holidays I stepped back from, I became a bit of a Grinch around Christmas, (my husband and kids would support this line of thinking) but those closest to me showed immense grace and patience. My first Father’s Day which was 3 months after my dad passed away, I was full of rage, and I was experiencing a horror of emotions. I couldn’t celebrate the father of my own children and was angry at my own kids because they weren’t honouring their dad enough (in my opinion which was completely skewed under the circumstances), which couldn’t be further from the truth. However, as years have passed, the prickly thorn of the “firsts” began to slowly fade, and I could see my perspective gradually shift to an attitude of Thanksgiving.

It’s taken time to get to this place, and anyone who is fresh out the gates of grief, you really need to show yourself some grace and patience. You’re allowed to feel what you feel, but that doesn’t give you carte blanche to be unkind, or rude in your mourning; if you have been, those that love you most and know you best will be quick to forgive you, but I do think it important to apologize if you know you’ve been outright hurtful amid your pain. You need those closest to you to continue to bring all the love and support you need at this critical time in your grief. Don’t prick those with your thorns of pain but be thankful to have them in your corner.

I will personally testify, you will get to a point eventually, on your timetable, that in your grieving you can and will look back on all the memories that you made with the person you lost and be overflowing with gratitude and thanksgiving. I’m not throwing you a line to be a band-aid for your grief, I’m throwing you a lifeline, an absolute truth, you will in due time get to a place where you will find and feel balance in your grief. The scales can tip from the thorns of grief to thanksgiving. Father’s Day for me NOW is a beautiful reminder of the amazing father I was Blessed with for 38 years, and not the father I have been without for 8.